Emotion Project 2

Emotion Project is fiction.

  "Next, please!"

  I almost fell asleep since the atmosphere in the hospital was cozy and comfortable. I sprung out of the couch in the lobby and walked towards the lady who just shouted out.

  "Hi, my name is Julie Miller. I would like to find some records in this hospital about 30 years ago. Is there an archive I can look through?"

  The lady at the front desk was looking at me without answering anything for 5 seconds. After staring with such an awkward face, she blinked with fanning her long eyelashes. They looked quite real.

  "I am sure the archive is downstairs, but I don't know if they have any records from 60s. Do you have any ID with you? We might need it for the guest pass."

  I handed in my passport to the lady. She stopped and took a look my passport again when she realized that it was from Japan. 

  "I left the American one at my hotel. I hope you don't mind."

  "Not at all!"

  However, I could feel she was very uncomfortable about the fact I gave the 'wrong' one to her. Of course, there is no such an American passport with me. My name is Haruna Sato. She handed a credit card looking pass to the archive and pointed to the stairs. I thanked her then rushed down to the archive.

  All I knew was her name, Sue Miller. And she told me that I was born here. Sue and I met when I was 10 in Tokyo. She could stay with me for 10 days and she had to leave. Sue told me that she came here to this hospital with a Japanese lady who must be my biological mother by an emergency ambulence. After I was born, Sue named me Julie. Perhaps, even before I was born. According to my parents in Tokyo, I had my birth cetificate with my name, Julie Haruna Miller. I never asked Sue why she had to give me to my parents or who the Japanese lady was. I just imagined all the time, they must have a big fight so Sue must have hated to accept this Japanese lady as Sue's daughter-in-law. Finally I started hating this kind of imaginary life I was living in. Then, I just booked a flight to Chicago where Sue told me about during those 10 days we had together in Japan.

  "I try to find a record about a Japanese lady who gave a birth in this hospital about 30 years ago. Unfortunately, I don't know her name, but only the lady who was with at that time. Her name is Sue Miller. She is my grandmother. My biological father's mother. Is there any chance I can find a record? My birthday is August 8th, 1969."

  "Any other information you can offer?"

  I wish Sue told me my biological parents' names. Well, it was my fault that I asked her not to tell me. 20 years ago, I was too young. I didn't want to know anything about myself. I didn't understand why Sue came to see me all the way to Japan. She must have kept me if she wanted me. Why the hell did she want to see me now? This anger never calmed down while she was in Japan. I spent only 10 minutes with her and ran away from her. She even tried to write me letter, but I just burnt them all. Then, why the hell am I looking for her now?

  "She must have come here through the emergency."

  "Okay, that can be easier. These are all the emergency records since we opened this hostpital."

  The archivist pointed a huge room. The room had a smell just like a library, not a hospital.

  "Did you say August 8th?"

  "Yes, 1969."

  The archivist walked down the other side of the room to find the file with the information I looked for.

  "Here!"

  She pointed a cabinet with bunch of files all together. She drawed it out and looked through the labels, then professionally picked out one of the files out of many.

  "This file is about all day August 8th, so you might have to spend some time to look through all to find the right one for you. Grab a seat over there."

  She pointed out of the room where the long table was. I took the file and ran out of the room and sat down to find the 'right' one. After 10 or 15 minutes, I found the name of Sue Miller. She signed for the operation which I must have born out of. I couldn't quite understand after this. So, I brought this file to the archivist.

  "I think the lady had a surgery to give a birth."

  The archivist took the file from me and read through with her thick glasses. Her eyes were very big, because of the thick glasses, but I could see her real eyes as well. She breathed in as she started reading the file. As she finished, she breathed out then looked at me.

  "That Japanese lady you were looking for was dead after this surgery."

  "Ah, okay."

  The archivist closed the file.

  "Are you okay?"

  "I think so. Thank you anyway."

  I got my passport back. The receptionist seemed very bored at the front desk.

  "Did you find what you were looking for?"

  "Ah, sort of."

  "Good then."

  "I guess so."

  I just rushed out there and walked towards the hotel. When I get to the hotel, Pete greeted me with the same smile.

  "Hi, Julie!"

  I just smiled back and went up to my room then called home back in Tokyo. I knew it was too early to call them now, but dialed anyway. And mom answered.

  "Haruna san!"

  "Mom!"

  "How is everything going?"

  "Very good. I think I will find some more information soon. I went to the hospital today. They didn't have much information, but I got a lot of clues out of it."

   "I am very glad to hear that, sweetheart. Did you eat something for breakfast?"

   "Of course, I am old enough to take care of myself. Don't worry."

   "I wish we could keep Sue Miller longer for you then."

   "Well, it's my fault, and I don't blame on you. I deserve this."

   "Do you really have to know about all these? And you have only 5 days in Chicago."

   "Mom, I know how you would feel. But it's only 5 days as you said."

   "I wish the best luck, sweetheart."

   "I love you, Mom."

   When I hung up the phone, I stayed still on the bed for 30 more minutes without thinking about this 5 day trip to Chicago, but only the kitch painting on the wall. Red and white mixed like a fake Mark Rothko's. It gave me a strange energy and I had to run again. I changed to running pants and went out to the Grand Park again. I just had too much energy to burn.

  

   Why didn't I want any information from Sue when she was in Japan for me? How stupid I was! Oh, well. I understand a young child's mind. Of course, I couldn't deal with what was going on in my life then. I hated Sue's appearance in my life. She shook everything out of my family. She shouldn't have come to see me in Tokyo. Since I knew about Millers, my parents felt quite guilty about what they have lied to me. At the end, I wasn't either a part of Millers or Satos. I was just floating around the world, without knowing who I am.

  Then, why the hell did I start thinking about Sue again? I got sick of this imaginary game I played. Finally, here I am in Chicago, found out that Japanese lady is gone. And where is Sue? Is she also dead? How old was she when she came to Tokyo? Was she 60? 70? Is she 80 or 90 now? She might be gone by now. Who knows she is super healthy, sometimes runs like me.

   Today was very long. Damn it. It's already dark. I have to go to sleep early tonight so I can find out where this Sue is or was, or at least want to do some tourist attractions.